Month Theme: Correcting Current Trends

Topic: CAN YOU AFFORD ME?

Facilitator: Mr. Abiodun Salami

13th September 2026

Love, Money, Expectations and the True Cost of a Relationship

Bible Passage: Luke 6:45

“For of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.” — Luke 6:45 KJV

Key Thought

Sometimes, what comes out of our mouth reveals what we have already placed in our heart.

So when somebody says, “Can you afford me?”, the question is not only what did they say?

We should ask:

What is inside the heart that produced that statement?

Is it entitlement?

Is it insecurity?

Is it financial wisdom?

Or is the person simply looking for someone to finance a lifestyle?

LET'S START WITH THE QUESTION

We hear people say:

“Can you afford me?”

Sometimes it is said jokingly.

Sometimes seriously.

Sometimes it is used as a test for a potential partner.

And sometimes it is not spoken at all—the person's behaviour says it for them.

Quick question:

Who do you think is more likely to say, “Can you afford me?” — a man or a woman?

 “Do men also have their own version of this question?”

Because they do.

A man may not say:

“Can I afford you?”

But he may be thinking:

“What do I get from this woman?”

“What does she bring to the table?”

So let's not make this a men versus women discussion.

The problem is not female or male.

The problem is a transactional mindset.

Maybe they can speak for themselves

WHAT ARE THE CHURCH VERSIONS?

Interestingly, the church may not always use the street language:

“Can you afford me?”

But sometimes we have more sophisticated versions.

You hear:

“Can he carry my load?”

“Is he established?”

“What does he have?”

“Does he have his own house?”

“What kind of car does he drive?”

“Is he financially buoyant?”

“Can he take care of me?”

“What is his level?”

“Can he maintain my standard?”

“I don't want to suffer with any man.”

And sometimes:

*“I have suffered enough in my father's house. I need a man who can give me the kind of life I deserve.”*

Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting financial stability in a marriage.

But we need to ask:

Where does responsible expectation end and entitlement begin?

LET'S DEFINE A RELATIONSHIP

A healthy romantic relationship is a mutual connection between two people built around:

• Love 

• Trust 

• Respect 

• Communication 

• Emotional support 

• Shared values 

• Responsibility 

• Shared goals 

• Commitment 

It requires investment from both people.

And that investment isn't only money.

You invest:

Time.

Attention.

Emotional energy.

Prayer.

Patience.

Communication.

Sacrifice.

Money.

Loyalty.

So the question shouldn't simply be:

*“Can you afford me?”*

A better question is:

“Are we capable of building and sustaining a healthy life together?”

CAN YOU AFFORD ME — TWO POSSIBLE MEANINGS

THE HEALTHY INTERPRETATION — CAPACITY & ALIGNMENT

“Can you afford me?” could mean:

_“Do you have the capacity to build the kind of life and relationship we both desire?”_

Can we support each other's:

• Spiritual growth? 

• Mental development? 

• Academic aspirations? 

• Career? 

• Business? 

• Emotional wellbeing? 

• Financial goals? 

• Family responsibilities? 

That's a legitimate conversation.

Luke 14:28

“For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost…”

Before building a life together, count the cost.

Don't fall in love first and start discovering the realities later.

Talk about expectations.

Talk about finances.

Talk about responsibilities.

Talk about dreams.

Talk about children.

Talk about lifestyle.

Talk about family.

Talk about the future.

THE UNHEALTHY INTERPRETATION — “WHAT CAN YOU BUY FOR ME?”

Now we have a problem.

When:

“Can you afford me?”

actually means:

“Can you finance me?”

or

“Can you maintain my lifestyle?”

or

“What benefits will I receive from dating you?”

then the relationship is becoming transactional.

The person isn't necessarily asking:

“Who are you?”

They are asking:

“What can I get from you?”

And that is a dangerous foundation for love.

WHEN ROMANCE BECOMES A BUSINESS TRANSACTION

Imagine a relationship where the unofficial contract says:

His responsibility:

• Hair 

• Skincare 

• Clothes 

• Phone 

• Food 

• Transport 

• Rent 

• Entertainment 

• Bills 

• Gifts 

• Lifestyle

Her responsibility:

• Beauty 

• Body 

• Sex 

• Social status 

• Appearance 

• The optics of having a beautiful partner

From the men too... Did you not do that too?

Is that love—or is that an exchange of services?

Because if the relationship is essentially:

“You pay, I provide something in return,”

then we need to be honest about what we're calling it.

Love should not feel like a commercial contract.

Make we hear this one....

“I KNOW MY WORTH”

This is where we need to correct another mindset.

There is nothing wrong with knowing your worth.

But knowing your worth is not the same as putting a price on yourself.

our worth is not determined by:

• The car someone drives 

• Their bank balance 

• Their house 

• Their ability to buy expensive gifts 

• Their ability to fund your lifestyle 

And likewise, a man's worth isn't determined solely by:

• His salary 

• His car 

• His house 

• His social position

Character matters.

Competence matters.

Responsibility matters.

Integrity matters.

Emotional maturity matters.

Spiritual maturity matters.

Financial responsibility matters.

Compatibility matters.

WHEN “I DESERVE BETTER” BECOMES ENTITLEMENT

This is another area where the church needs to be honest.

There is a healthy version:

“I deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and love.”

“Because I am beautiful, educated, spiritual or desirable, a man must provide a particular lifestyle for me.”

That is no longer simply self-worth.

That's entitlement.

Your qualities should make you a *valuable partner* , not a product with a price tag.

AND MEN ARE NOT EXEMPT

You people sef get una own... Though no be all of us

Let's turn the mirror toward the men.

A man can also be transactional.

He may say:

“She's beautiful, so what can I get?”

“She's attractive, so she should submit to everything I say.”

“I'm spending money, therefore I own her.”

“I paid your bills, so you cannot say no to me.”

That's also wrong.

*Financial contribution does not purchase ownership of another human being.*

A woman is not a commodity because a man spends money on her.

And a man is not an ATM because a woman is in a relationship with him

*THE DANGER OF ENTERING MARRIAGE WITH UNDISCLOSED EXPECTATIONS*

“What you demand before marriage, you may continue demanding after marriage.”

If a woman becomes accustomed to:

“My boyfriend must pay for everything,”

she may expect:

“My husband must pay for everything.”

If a man becomes accustomed to:

“Because I pay, you must obey me,”

he may carry that mentality into marriage.

*Dating doesn't automatically remove your character.*

It often reveals it.

*LUXURY YOU CANNOT SUSTAIN*

Someone may be able to impress you for six months.

But can they sustain it for ten years?

A person can borrow money to look wealthy.

A person can spend beyond their means to keep a relationship.

A person can maintain a lifestyle they cannot afford simply because they don't want their partner to leave.

Eventually reality arrives.

Debt.

Pressure.

Resentment.

Frustration.

Arguments.

Infidelity.

Separation.

Sometimes divorce.

So:

*Don't choose a lifestyle you cannot sustain simply because you want to impress someone you want to marry.*

*WHAT SHOULD WE BE ASKING INSTEAD?*

Instead of:

*“Can you afford me?”*

Ask:

*“Can we afford the life we are planning together?”*

Instead of:

“What can you give me?”

Ask:

“What can we build together?”

Instead of:

“How much do you earn?”

Ask:

“How responsible are you with what you earn?”

Instead of:

“Can you maintain my lifestyle?”

Ask:

“Are our expectations and financial realities compatible?”

Instead of:

“What do you bring for me?”

Ask:

“What do we both bring to this relationship?”

*THE QUESTION EVERYONE SHOULD ASK THEMSELVES*

“If money was removed from the equation, would you still be a valuable partner?”

Then ask:

*To the woman:*

“If he stopped buying things for you tomorrow, what would you still have to offer him?”

*To the man:*

“If your money disappeared tomorrow, what would still make you valuable to her?”

That's not meant to insult anyone.

It's a self-examination question.

*WHAT SHOULD CHRISTIANS DO DIFFERENTLY?*

We cannot bring every popular cultural mindset into the church and simply give it Christian vocabulary.

If society says:

“Can he afford me?”

we shouldn't simply baptize it and say:

“Can he carry my load?”

We need to examine the heart behind it.

Christianity should teach partnership, not exploitation.

Responsibility, not entitlement.

Generosity, not financial manipulation.

Submission to God, not submission to money.

_*Love, not transaction.*_

*RED FLAGS OF A TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIP 🚩*

Watch out when someone:

• Measures love primarily by money spent. 

• Constantly compares you with richer people. 

• Feels entitled to your money because you're dating. 

• Makes expensive demands very early. 

• Uses sex, affection or attention as payment for financial support. 

• Considers you a failure because you cannot fund their preferred lifestyle. 

• Has little interest in your character but enormous interest in your income. 

• Becomes loving when you spend and cold when you don't. 

• Has no interest in building but expects to consume. 

*And this applies to both men and women*

*WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES?*

“What can happen when a relationship starts from a transactional foundation?”

For us to answer

*FINAL CONCLUSION*

I would finish with this:

There is nothing wrong with wanting a financially responsible partner.

There is nothing wrong with discussing financial expectations before marriage.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a better life.

But there is something wrong when we reduce human beings to what they can provide materially.

There is something wrong when love becomes a transaction.

There is something wrong when we choose people primarily for what we can consume from them.

And there is something wrong when we demand from someone what we are unwilling to contribute ourselves.

Don't ask only, “Can you afford me?”

Ask:

“Can I afford you?”

“Can we afford each other?”

“Can we afford the responsibilities that come with the future we are planning?”

And finally:

*“If money was removed from the equation, would I still be a valuable partner?”*

BEFORE YOU ASK*

_“CAN YOU AFFORD ME?”

Ask yourself:

What do I bring?

What do I contribute?

What do I expect?

What am I willing to sacrifice?

Can I afford my own expectations?

Can I love when the money is low?

Can I build when things are difficult?

Can I remain loyal when the lifestyle changes?

And most importantly:

“Am I looking for a partner to build a life with—or a person to provide a life for me?”

With that, we come to the end of our session. I appreciate the grace of God in our lives.

2 Peter 1:2* 

"Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord._

Blessed week it shall be in Jesus name. Amen